Being alone…

All of our unhappiness comes from our inability to be alone. 

- Jean de la Bruyere

I recently discovered the true meaning of this phrase as I do have the tendency to be depressed when I ain’t around anyone. Thinking that my life ain’t complete without anyone with me. I have nearly gotten to the suicidal point (figuratively speaking).


I have this abandonment issue ever since I was a kid, which started from the loss of my dad and due to this I have been very possessive of those who come in to my life. I have never really come to terms with being alone. I tend to say I can be alone but the truth is I never could.

I have surrounded myself with people, whom I have been dependent on. Relationships have been the same case and they usually end up in tragedies of me getting hurt in the end, even though it had been my decision to end it all.

I guess being alone had been my greatest fear. People may see me by myself, looking so relaxed, but what they don’t know is that I am screaming inside. Right now for instance being at McDonald’s, people passing me by and smiling. This is now the total reason I’m writing this. 

I have lately been isolating myself, trying my best to cope with the loneliness… Not doing a good job with it though as I have gone through this downward spiral of depression. Everywhere I look shows me a different memory of people around me. Dates, Friends lounging, Gimik nights just grabbing a bite before heading home and meet ups with people that could have been more than friends to me.

The thoughts are hard to bare. Screaming would relieve a bit of the stress but that may just send me straight into the Mandaluyong mental hospital or Elsie Gaches, which is closer. Sheesh…

I don’t want to be alone, but I need to get used to it. At the end of the day I will just be left with myself anyways. 

Getting a partner now would only be a temporary solution as they tend to leave in the end anyways. Tired of thinking, tired of living and tired of pretending. When will this all end.