RRR day 2

Last night was one of the most unproductive day ever. I stayed in bed thinking of things I needed to finish.

I got my salary and found out it was the worst one I have had in 2 years. This is because I'm in over my head in debt. Sheesh! This is another thing I should avoid starting this month. No more debts. Man, it takes a huge person to admit that there's a problem.

I have totally learned my lesson but how to resolve being broke is still a mystery. I need a part time job that can help me with living this month and I need it immediately. 

Waaaaahhh.... ended up being more problematic than when I went on this stupid search for myself. I did find myself. found myself deep in more crap that I could have ever seen myself being in,

On a lighter note, at least I learned something.

God help me. =(

RRR day 1

Day 1:

Tasks accomplished:

1.) Sleep all day to the song sleep all day by Jason Mraz.

2.) Dream about something other than work. Though I kinda had part of my dream outside the office.

Day 1 ended a few hours ago and I haven't been doing anything. I miss bumming around. Having no plans and sleeping all day. I miss going anywhere I want and doing anything I want when I want to. Gosh looking back the last time I had been a bum was more than 5 years ago.

Though this is something I miss, I'd rather be working like a dog and having money than have no money and getting all the rest as much as a dead person in a cemetery. Getting all frustrated cause you can't do what you're used to.

R, R and R (Rest, Relaxation and Reflection)

“Sometimes the most urgent thing you can possibly do is take a complete rest”

- Ashleigh Brilliant

For the first time, in two years of being at the company I have been working for, I will be going on leave for personal reasons. I have been really struggling with things and since it's a personal problem that I have to deal with and that it should never, even under any circumstances, affect my job. However, though this is what I think. It is and I am not happy about it.

Therefore, I have taken a sabbatical from work and will be using the time to focus on what I want to do and what I want to be. I have to get my act together as it ain't healthy, not just for me, but also for the people around me.

4 days off work (including the weekend which is my off) to understand what it is that is really the root cause of everything. Wish me luck. =)

Dating people I met off the internet.

“There are no mistakes or failures, only lessons.” - Denis Waitley

I have been in the dating scene again and it totally is difficult. I've met a couple of great guys in the past month, but none are willing to take the next step. It's cool, as I ain't in any rush and just trying to enjoy everything. However, it gets frustrating to be waiting for nothing with people you date.

Last night, was an example. I met this great guy, whom I had been messaging for a while now. Sheesh when he walked in to the bar was great. He was tall cute and I loved his get up. But, then insecurities crept in.

I'm not totally fugly but I'm short and a bit on the heavy side compared to a couple years back. I always talk in front of a huge crowd of people and very vocal about things, but I was too afraid to approach him. Thinking I might get rejected and that would totally be a buzz kill. 

To muster up the courage, I took two shots of tequila and a and downed a whole glass of San Miguel Light right after. (Talk about being an alcoholic.)

I was starting to be all jolly and really sure of myself. As I had a ton of friends at the bar that night, I kept moving from one table to another. With every transfer getting closer to him and his best friend. 

Then, I shocked myself by rushing to his table and saying hi. He said hi as well and introduced me to his best friend. I wasn't interested in the other guy but being that he was the best friend, I started to divert my attention to him. 

All of a sudden, the guy I was supposed to be on the date on asked if I liked his best friend. I immediately replied no and just explained that I wanted him to have a good time to. This made everything a lot lighter and we had a fun evening. 

After the bar we had breakfast at McDonald's in front of the bar and we just kept gabbing about a lot of things. Though, he and his friend kept talking about people I didn't know. Awkward much right? I just sat in my chair and smoked a couple of cigs just to pass the time.

I brought him all the way to his house and that was that. Once I got home, he called and asked where I was. He kept on saying "You're at home, right?" Making sure I wasn't lying. I told him that if he wanted to check he could call our home phone number, which I think assured him that I was.

Then a huge line that totally blew me away. "I like you." he said. I didn't expect it as I thought he wasn't that into me but I felt all warm inside and I couldn't sleep. Just staring at the ceiling for around 2 hours, I then drifted of to dream land.

When I awoke, I scrambled to get my phone to check if he had messaged. No messages. I swallowed my pride and sent him a message but still nothing.

Mixed messages???

Dating Game??? Whatevs...

I don't know the first real thing about the dating game. I don't know how to talk to a specific person and connect. I just think you have to go to person by person and do the best you can with people in general.
Jason Schwartzman

As I have stated in recent posts, I haven’t been in the whole dating scene and in a relationship in a while. After the whole failed attempt with a person who lived 5to 6 hours away, I have tried to stay away from the whole thing and focus on my career.

A typical move I guess by a person who had been torn up and hurt, but it was mostly a choice that I don’t regret. I was able to go through work well and I even got promoted. I was content and had fun just being this way. This was until a few days ago.

There’s a site which I used to be a member of until my long distance relationship called to sever any ties to the said site. Due to friends that egged me on in to re-opening my account did the problems begin.

Reopening the account, opened me up to the whole dating scene. I had met up with a few people and they turned up to be cool, but not really the relationship type. I ain’t sure why but it only turned out to be sex and I may be in to the whole shit, but I was looking for something more.

Then, Mr. N arrived. I have known him for awhile and had kinda been an ass to him, but this person had been a bigger ass to me. He had left so abruptly and totally disappeared on me, which made me furious with him before. Anyways, He messaged and we quickly rekindled the whole “I’m happy when I’m with you” and the “I feel so comfortable with you”. But this didn’t last long.

It was a Sunday night and I had gone to Starbucks Madrigal Park to meet a few friends. However, no one showed up and I was left all alone. I started to SMS everyone I was close to and I invited them to come over and just chill. I then thought of asking Mr. N. He immediately replied and said he was going. As the wifi wasn’t working there, I told him to meet me at McDonald’s instead.

I wasn’t hungry, but it would have been totally rude of me to stay there and not order anything. I got a Nuggets meal with twister fries. When he arrived it was like seeing a vision of an oasis in the desert. He smiled and said hi and I nodded and asked if he wanted to move to where we could smoke. He agreed and we ended up staying all the way up to 5:30am. Given that I had only 3 hours to sleep.

The whole day was fantastic. I was able to go through the entire day without feeling the slightest bit sleepy. We had spoken about meeting once I got out, as he was on his way to work when I get out. It was raining and my friends and I were chatting when I saw him. Man, was it awesome, another day of meeting my angel (or so I thought).

After that day, it was constant talks over the phone and he was planning to meet up that Friday. He was on leave to go and meet with his friends from high school and was going to meet me right after. I was hesitant about this as I knew that if I were to do the same thing, I would have stayed with my friends whom I hadn’t seen for a long time. I was right. He cancelled on me and said we could meet the next night instead. I was so disappointed, but trying to be all understanding I couldn’t say anything.

That night was just terrible. If it weren’t for some old friends I met I wouldn’t have been able to cope. I sang my lungs out that night.

On Saturday, we didn’t meet up. He said he was prepping for work as his boss asked him to go. I was fine with this. I wasn’t going to let myself be disappointed again. Not knowing what I could do. I went to Fastbites. Just to maybe get a glimpse of him and make all the bad feelings go away. To my dismay I didn’t get to see him.

I was tired. I went home, took a shower and texted him. No reply. No call. Nothing. A lot of things came to mind. Did I do something? Did I say something? Was he disappearing on me again? I felt like I was going mad. This all stopped when a guy on Facebook, who I had known longer than Mr. N, messaged me saying that any person would be lucky to have me and that I wasn't to worry.

This gave me a lot of strength to take anything. I’m happy Mr. N was in my life. Now, if he doesn’t stay, it wouldn’t because I didn’t try. I reclosed my account from that blasted site and have now come to realize that I maybe ready but not all people are like me. I will try to be open minded.

I’m now reminded of what Mr. N told me. “Don’t settle for second best” Nice thing to say I guess it was never intended that he was the thing that was second best.

Thank you Mr. N. You have once again taught me a lot. =)