Confused

I haven't been blogging for a really long time and this blog is turning out to be more like an online diary for me.

My emotions have now gotten to the point of me wanting to write something again.

Quick recap of the current situation. I am now living in another house with a person who has been my partner for a year and five months. Another emotional roller coaster is the best way to describe it.

We are so different and this used to be something that made us closer. However, now it is getting to the point where I question if I made the right decision.

Let's start last week Friday when I asked him if he had plans for that night. He replied he didn't and that he was gonna just stay home. Then when i was at work said that one of his colleagues was asking him to go out with her.

I said if it was okay that he didn't and he said it was. Everything was fine after that, or so i thought... Last night he informed me that he was going to a wake and said that he would be going with colleagues. This was fine, but being the curious type, i asked a lot of questions.he answered these and  that was that. Until this morning.

I got home at around 8:15 and found him sleeping. This is very normal as I work the graveyard shift and usually come home to him sleeping or snoring. I cuddled with him a bit and let him doze of. He woke saying he was hungry and asked if i could cook something for breakfast, so i did and after eating went back up to the room.

When he followed, i remembered about the talk of him going out tonight and I asked if he was going to go and drink. He said with an irritated voice that he was going to a wake and me thinking of that was absurd. I was merely referencing my family wakes as we usually had my uncles drinking on one side.

He got angry at my questions that me asking him to stay home was a very big thing and not something that was over. I ended saying that i won't ever be asking him anymore questions. and that his thoughts of me making excuses is a question of him believing me.

Now i really don't know what to think. I'm so close to calling it quits, but knowing him he'll only take it as my loss and not do a thing to win me back.

I hate feeling this way, but I'm at the border of making a decision I have been avoiding that past few months.

I want to sleep and I think these beds would be so freaking awesome to sleep in!!!

Cloud

Award winning designers David Koo and Zheng Yawei have come up with this revolutionary concept design. Using magnetic force the base will levitate a soft upper cushion. This physics-defying couch could be the perfect place to drift off into dreamland after a long day at work.

Concoon Bed

Wasserbetten has taken design to new intergalactic heights and touched the rings of Saturn with this amazing bed using innovative technology, and incorporating a Yacht design. This bed would actually feel more at home in space than the bedroom. It contains built-in surround sound, therapeutic lighting, water bed sound and a water mattress to simulate the weightlessness of space.

Ecotypic Bed

Designed by Arthur Xin this bed brings around the next generation of eco living/sleeping. Equipped with LEDs to help the plants grow, as well as speakers to play music that lull you to sleep, this bed also comes with its very own power-generating system. All activities such as weight lifting, in and around the bed are converted into energy, making it 100% eco-friendly. The main highlight of the bed is the integrated plants which are supported by a built in planter.

Hi-Can High Fidelity Canopy

Designed by Edoardo Carlino, this bed is the ultimate sleeper’s dream! Shaped like a metallic box, this elegant and visually stunning sleeping pod is (ironically) a full-fledged multimedia entertainment system! It includes a reading lamp, a sound system, games consoles, a HD projector and blinds that enclose you. From the comfort of your bed, you can control everything including your beds movement.

Source: www.hongkiat.com/blog/futuristic-home-furnitures/ 

Tim Tadder's Photo Series "Water Wigs" Captures Beautiful Intersection Of Baldness And Water Balloons (PHOTOS)

RRR day 3

"When it rains, it's four." - Karlo Lador

Last night was the end of the third day and I realize that work is ever so close. Starting tomorrow, I am now putting a new perspective in working. I will just work and won't care about anything else and all the drama that happens around me. 

Anyways, the reason put the quote is because from the beginning of my leave until last night there have been four guys trying to be more than friends. I guess before I new I was friendly but maybe I'm going overboard with the whole Mr. Congeniality tag. Is there such a thing as being too friendly when at a bar. I guess it's fine as long as I don't use anyone or step on anyone, right?

I had been called a slut and a whore. I just answered back "I'm a bitch, wanna see how I am one?" I guess I just don't give a shit anymore. People always their own lucid view of me but they just have no idea. Judgmental and prejudice they just can't fathom that a person can be more than what they see when I go to bars. Losers!

Anyways, this was a totally relaxing 3 and a half days. I have totally recharged to face anything they throw at me tomorrow. The bitch is back. All I need now is to turn black. Hmmm... Could I rock that look?

Just because I smile, doesn't mean that I'm okay.

"I don't regret anything that happened, but if I were given a chance to go back to the time we met, I would stay away." - Greg Torres

One cause of stress down, but one major Stress causer still on going.

"The saying loving yourself should be your first priority, but it sure is hard to do especially when you really love someone else." - Greg Torres

I had recently joined a singing contest at a local Karaoke/Stand up comedy bar near where I live and it had just ended last night. During the competition I met a guy and started dating and now considered each other partners. However, due to MAJOR complications, we are unable to fully express our feelings for each other.

Since the two of us were in the same competition, we would usually be together. Don't get me wrong, I love him a lot but he has always had this, I don't want you to know my feelings kinda attitude which just keeps me hanging all the time.

I have been trying my best to stay happy and be supportive, but it is totally getting tiring. Imagine this, I'm telling him something and then he looks else where having all his focus on that. This makes me feel he isn't interested. When you ask him something that causes him to be a bit confrontational, he just smiles or changes the topic. And not even in a subtle way a very abrupt way, after an awkward pause.

Honestly, I don't think I deserve to be treated this way, but I don't want to give up.

Mixed emotions

Sometimes no matter how complicated life is, it dumbfounds you and shows you how much more complicated it can get. - Greg Torres

I went to work as usual and having had a great night the last night I was kicked in the gut with all the complications. It feels that I had cancer and just wished I died. One of my dreams was to be happy with someone wanting to be together no matter what.

I tried even going against my mom about the whole situation. I can't really go in to detail with it but I am at the point that I would rather die than be here.

I hate how everything is going and here I am still trying to figure out how to make life worth while.

I really don't know how I'm feeling. I wish I could end it but I can't. It hurts so bad.

I feel like my heart has this heavy weight on it and it just won't find relief. Having the empty feeling might even make it worse...

Yes, I have mood swings but isn't that the thing? I try to hide feelings to just change the mood, however I can't be that way the whole time.

I'm used to being very honest with my feelings but now I feel I'm walking on eggshells and I can't show who  I really am. I want to be more of the happy partying person but I can't. Please, don't think I haven't tried. I HAVE which is why my moods change easily.

I wish he'd get that. I am so torn, ruined and broken over all the people that have tossed me around. I hate feeling this way and sometimes think that life would be better without him but I can't stand being away from him.

He knows I have work later but he doesn't care. I feel that other people are more better than me, more important. I feel that I'm one of his lesser priorities.

How can I be better? How do I get through this? How can I be okay?

I need to scream and shout this out but I need to cry this out too.